By Angela Box | Opinion
It’s your old friend Tom Perez, head of the Democrat National Committee. I’m coming to you live from some hick college town where we’re being forced to have the next Democrat debate.
Anyway, lots is going on in our valiant quest to bring down a duly elected president – I mean, bring justice to the Orange Oaf.
Our best and brightest liars and leakers, headed by the devilishly handsome Adam Schiff (who I’ve heard has some ‘splainin to do about some goings-on at the Standard Hotel in West Hollywood) are hot on the trail of yet another collusion caper brought to you by the worst human being ever to walk the earth, a.k.a. the Orange Ogre Donald Trump.
SO WHAT that this Ukraine farce was brought to you courtesy of a “whistleblower” who worked in the Obama White House, specifically with Joe Biden as he traversed around the globe securing money for his loser son, Hunter. WHO CARES that he was ensconced with our pinko commie homeboy John Brennan at the CIA. No! He is as clean and pure as the underwear Bill and Hillary Clinton tried to donate to charity to get a write off on their taxes! BIG WHOOP that Schiff refuses to let Republicans confront any so-called witnesses who are simply giving their opinion on a phone call between Trump and Zelensky (which, annoyingly, the transcript proves was innocuous). We’ve got an election to overturn!
Forget about the record, booming economy and the lowest unemployment rate for every demographic (even all 73 genders). Forget that Trump has miraculously and single-handedly brought us almost completely out of the Middle East miasma, which we Democrats used to act like we supported. Forget that the wall at the southern border – which we used to support – is being built and proving effective. Forget that we are finally energy independent and no longer have to bow to Middle Eastern tyrants.
No, we Democrats know what’s really important: transgender bathrooms, the ever-changing hoax of manmade climate change, dismemberment abortion, and framing innocent presidents!
I know, like me, you were devastated when the great orator Beto O’Rourke suddenly dropped out of our 2020 primary. I know there isn’t a barstool or countertop from sea-to-shining-sea that won’t miss his constant and unwelcome assaults and advances. Like the Second Amendment, no table was safe when Robert Francis was in the house. In addition to looking exactly like the human embodiment of Butthead (which was always good for a laugh), we must thank Beto for truly helping expose just how progressive we Democrats have become.
You see, not only is impeaching someone who did nothing wrong the top priority for Democrats, but it’s also imperative we usher in the Trump Recession as soon as humanly possible so more Americans can get back on the Democrat welfare gravy train!
To that end, we embrace Elizabeth Warren’s and Bernie Sanders’ pretend, dueling Medicare For All plans which would only cost $50 trillion kabillion zillion, which really isn’t much if you think about it.
After all, the First Black President™ Barack Obama was able to increase the national debt almost double every past president COMBINED by the time he left office – and the media loved him! A tremendous feat indeed!
But don’t let the media tell you Obama was squeaky clean. We Democrats know a rat when we see one — and Obama was one of our own, which means everything he did was embraced and excused! It’s a good thing he had 95% positive media coverage, and Trump has 95% negative. If only we could get the Orange Orangutan’s media negatives to 99%, maybe we wouldn’t even have to impeach the bastard.
And now, comrades, thankfully Hillary Clinton is once again threatening America with a good time. I’m sure our bench of rational, patriotic candidates (after establishing staff, fundraising, and office space) will happily exit stage left the minute Mrs. Bill Clinton decides she must, for the good of all of us, run for Dictator for Life for the third time.
It would simply be the right thing to do.
So many excellent candidates, so few elections to rig! If only we could install a Soviet-style, central-planning tsar in every recalcitrant Red State, we’d have jobs for ALL of our awesome candidates – even wee Julian Castro.
As it is obvious, we Democrats have such a robust bench of quality candidates and issues that naturally impeaching a president less than a year before the 2020 election makes perfect sense for our national platform.
Clearly, like with the economy and foreign policy, Trump has pretty much everything else handled.
It takes a special kind of monster to support a Deep State silent coup and the frame-up of innocent people – but we Democrats are nothing if not monsters – monsters for the truth, baby! Always remember: #OrangeManBad!
Yeah, so what? We all know the American people are too stupid to vote out Trump on their own – which is why we’re going to do that for them.
You see, trusting them in 2016 to choose our Once and Future Queen Hillary Clinton was clearly too much for the American people to handle. Therefore, we’re going to spend tens of millions of taxpayer dollars – in addition to the tens of millions of taxpayer dollars that was spent on the fake Russia collusion investigation – I mean – St. Robert Mueller‘s calling from the heavens above — in order to finally remove this president (because clearly the voters don’t want to do it for us).
And as Democrats, we know best. There isn’t an abortion up-to-and-after birth we won’t support, an invented gender we won’t promote, a drug cartel we won’t facilitate. There isn’t an illegal alien we won’t favor over an American citizen. There’s not an Islamist we won’t help get elected to the United States Congress. There’s not a single Judeo-Christian value we would support, and a Pledge of Allegiance or National Anthem we won’t ruin.
There’s not an economy we won’t wreck with our crazy policies, or a state we won’t ruin and turn into Venezuela. California: you are really showing America how to do it right! Burn, baby, burn: amirite, Cali?
We believe the American people are racists, xenophobes, homophobes, Islamophobes, misogynists, and bigots – therefore they cannot be trusted to vote correctly.
It is my solemn duty to ensure that whichever candidate exits the Democrat Clown Car last will be even a level or two crazier than Barack Obama and his fulfilled promise of “fundamental transformation” – because that was for sissies. It is now and forever full steam ahead toward our progressive utopia!
But in order for that to happen, the Orange Oppressor has got to go. I pray to the God I know does not exist that Adam Schiff and Nancy Pelosi – in addition to great comrades like Eric Swallwell and Jerry Nadler – can figure out how to forge documents and transcripts (that have already been released to the public) in order to finally stick a stake in Donald Trump‘s cold, dead heart.
We’ve got the best lunatics for the job, comrades.
For more piss and vinegar, check out my YouTube channel. This week’s video:
Cover Photo Credit: Monroe, Louisiana MAGA Rally | Mandel Ngan/AFP via Getty Images